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Puzzles, Jokes, Anecdotes, and Thoughts

Discussion in 'General' started by pianolady, Dec 14, 2007.

  1. pianolady

    pianolady Monica Hart, Administrator Staff Member Piano Society Artist Trusted Member

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    I was in a sort of self-imposed exile for a while. And then I was up in your neck of the woods. Door County. Beautiful place! Did some fishing and lots of rock-skipping! Here I am in action. :lol:

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]


    Now about these latest jokes: Ok, I'm groaning. Except I don't get no. 3.
     
  2. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    de Falla is pronounced de fire.
     
  3. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    --
    Musical Definitions

    Air--That which must be inhaled by singers before starting to sing.

    Airs-- Peter Pears
    Needn't give himself airs.
    He has them written
    By Benjamin Britten.
    Analysis--A musical dissection which, like an autopsy, results in a lifeless dismembered corpse.
    Musical analysts are so-called because of their need to be psycho-analysed.

    Applause--Noise made by audiences, usually between movements, to signify that they have heard enough!

    Bach--He was the world's greatest composer, and so was Handel.

    Bang Box--A less polite, but more accurate name for a piano.

    Barcarole--Sound made by a rolling dog. A famous Barcarole was composed by one who himself
    would often-bark.

    Bass--A musical fish with a low voice.

    Bassoon--A wind instrument played by buffoons and suitable for baboons.

    Beethoven--A composer who had hearing problems, hence wrote music that was very loud.

    Bronze--The last name of a composer who wrote four great symphonies. His first name was
    Johannes.

    Bram--The composer of Brahm's symphonies.

    Carmen--Parking attendants.

    Cellist-- One who greets one with "Cello!".

    Choir--A musical organization invented by Handel to perpetuate his Messiah.

    Composer--One who writes music during his lifetime and later decomposes.

    Clarinet -- A wind instrument named in honor of a Russian girl Clara who played so much that finally one said to her "Clara, Nyet ! "

    Conductor--One whose function is to foul up an orchestra.

    Crook--A concert manager.

    Discord--Not to be confused with datcord.

    Encore-- An extra piece performed "off the cuff" which has been well prepared for several weeks.

    English horn--An instrument so named because it is neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with the French horn, which is German.

    Exposition--A position no longer in service.

    Fermata-- A fitting appendage to John Cage's 4.3 moments of silence.

    Flute-- A flying Lute,which was discovered by a fluke.

    Glissando--A musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel.

    Harpsichord-- A precursor of the piano, and cursed at ever since!

    Klavierstuck--A German term for a piano stuck in a narrow doorway.

    Leirmann-- A German term usually translated as " organ grinder" I think this is a mistranslation.
    To me, a leirmann is a man who doesn't tell the truth.

    Lute-- An instrument used to accompany songs that are lewd.

    Madrigal-- A Rigal that has gone mad.

    Mezzo-Soprano-- A half-hearted Soprano.

    Modes--Scales that are outmoded.

    Musical Snob-- One who pretends to know more about music than we pretend to.

    Oboe-- An instrument taught at Oberlin College named in honor of its inventor who was a hobo.

    Offenbach (frequently pronounced Offenbark) --A dog that barks frequently.

    Opera-- A performance that is viewed with opera glasses.

    Piano--An instrument operated by depressing the keys and the spirits of the listeners.

    Piano Tuner--A species of musical fish.

    Pianist-- One who knows how to get rid of unwelcome guests.

    Podium--A raised platform for conductors to make them feel more important than really are.

    Posthumous--Works of art produced by the artist after he is dead.

    Refrain--What most performers had best do.

    Repertoire--The musical knowledge of General Ulysses S. Grant, who said: " I know two pieces.
    one of them is Yankee Doodle and the other isn't ".

    Serial Music-- Music that is different from breakfast music, which is cereal music.

    Sexaphone--An instrument known for its pornography.

    Spinet-- As one woman who had just read a biography of Bach said to a friend : " Did you know that Bach had twenty wives and at night would go up in the attic and practice on an old spinster! "

    Squeak Machine--The highest pitched of the stringed instruments, and is usually accompanied by a Bang Box. Beethoven wrote ten squeak machine and bang-box sonatas.

    Stop--What organists should do( cf.refrain).

    Triangle-- An instrument played by squares.

    Trill--A musical form of an epileptic fit.They say that since the advent of modern music, much of the trill has gone out of life.

    Trumpet-- A musical instrument that is supposed to trump all others, but in reality is fit only for
    strumpets.

    Variations--The kind of music written by composers who cannot make up their minds.

    Viol. An instrument so named because of the vile sounds it produces. Hearing it often makes
    one violent. One who plays it wrongly is called a violator.

    Violin (pronounced viol-in)--A viol that is not out.

    Virginal--A keyboard instrument similar to the harpsichord,so called because of the sorts of ladies
    who were supposed to play it in the 16th century--and if you believe that, you'll believe anything.
     
  4. pianolady

    pianolady Monica Hart, Administrator Staff Member Piano Society Artist Trusted Member

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    haha - funny stuff. I know I've seen most of these before but I still like them. Especially the one about bassoons, Beethoven, encore, English horn, flute, glissando, klavierstucke...ok the rest of them too...
     
  5. juufa72

    juufa72 New Member Piano Society Artist

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    Door county is OK, but if you like to be in bumper-to-bumper traffic, then that place is for you. In my opinion, it's too crowded ESPECIALLY when the leaves change.
     
  6. pianolady

    pianolady Monica Hart, Administrator Staff Member Piano Society Artist Trusted Member

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    I've been going up to Door County since I was a little kid. I love how it's unspoiled by all the commercial crap like you see in the Dells, or Niagra Falls, or Gatlinburg - you know all that Wax Museums and Ripley's Believe It or Not stuff. Door County is quaint, beautiful, and refreshing to me. We know some secret little spots that not everybody else knows, but you're right - it can be crowded at times. This last time I almost got hit by a guy on a bicycle! My son pulled me out of the way at the last second, but I laugh my head off when I think about the look on that guy's face. :shock: :lol: :lol:....cracks me up.... :lol:



    btw - actually, I've been going up to Door County since before I was born! How is that possible, someone out there asks? Puzzle time.....(figure it out)
     
  7. juufa72

    juufa72 New Member Piano Society Artist

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    You were cooking in your mom's oven. Or they took the test tube in which you were incubating to Door County :lol:
     
  8. pianolady

    pianolady Monica Hart, Administrator Staff Member Piano Society Artist Trusted Member

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  9. juufa72

    juufa72 New Member Piano Society Artist

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    so which one is it? :wink:
     
  10. pianolady

    pianolady Monica Hart, Administrator Staff Member Piano Society Artist Trusted Member

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    the first one, silly! :lol:
     
  11. juufa72

    juufa72 New Member Piano Society Artist

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    Oh OK. The answer wasn't too obvious for me. :x
     
  12. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    One person asked a friend whether it was better to marry or remain single.The friend replied:
    "Whatever you decide to do, you will always regret it."
     
  13. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    My former student Melvin Fitting,now a famous logician, recently sent me a lovely book he wrote on mathematical logic, and I responded with the following letter that I believe will amuse you. [We recently watched together an excellent performance of Hamlet.]
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Mel,

    Sending me your book was both extremely kind and extremely foolish. Why kind? The answer is obvious. Why foolish? Well. did it not occur to you that I might steal some of your excellent ideas for my next book? Will I really steal them? It is difficult for me to decide.

    TO STEAL OR NOT TO STEAL; THAT IS THE QUESTION :
    WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO REFRAIN,
    OR YIELD, AND THUS INCUR
    THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF REMORSE.
    TO DIE.,TO SLEEP;
    TO SLEEP: PERCHANCE TO DREAM,
    TO DREAM OF RETRIBUTION YET TO COME! AYE, THERE'S THE RUB !
    OH HORRORS , CAN I NOT REFRAIN?
    ANGELS ABOVE, HELP MY ANGUISHED SOUL!
    OH, CURSED ILL
    THAT I WAS EVER BORN TO STEAL !

    Well Melvin, I finally decided that I WILL steal your excellent stuff.

    OH MY DEED IS DONE AND IS MOST FOUL!
    IITS SMELL GOES UP TO HEAVEN.
    THAT TEMPTATION SHOULD HAVE GOT THE BETTER OF MY REASON,
    'TIS A HORROR NOT TO BE ENDURED
    AND YET, I CANNOT GIVE UP--
    THE FRUITS OF MY VILE DEED.
    TO STEAL FROM STUDENT AND LOYAL FRIEND,
    WHAT WORSE EVIL COULD THERE BE?
    OH HEAVEN, IS THERE NO HELP
    FOR THIS TORMENTED SOUL?
    AH, BUT LKE CLAUDIUS,
    MY WORDS GO UP, MY THOUGHTS go down.

    Now that I have decided to steal, the next question is whether I should give you credit. That is a more difficult matter. Of course I am open to bribery. I somehow think that a kiss from your lovely wife Roma is relevant to all this.

    With many many thanks for your wonderful book,
    Raymond
     
  14. juufa72

    juufa72 New Member Piano Society Artist

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  15. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    Here are some cute puns I got over the internet:

    > 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
    > acquired his size from too much pi.
    > 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
    > to be an optical Aleutian .
    > 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    > 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
    > was a weapon of math disruption.
    > 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    > 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    > 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    > Blownapart.
    > 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    > 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
    > into it.
    > 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    > 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    > 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
    > the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
    > 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    > 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
    > 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
    > at large.
    > 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
    > seasoned veteran.
    > 17. A backward poet writes inverse.
    > 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
    > count that votes.
    > 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    > 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
    > 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
    > stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
    > passenger.'
    > 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
    > 'Dam!'
    > 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
    > craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
    > kayak and heat it too.
    > 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
    > says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
    > 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
    > canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
    > 26. There was the person who sent 10 puns to friends, with the hope that
    > at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
    >
    >
     
  16. pianolady

    pianolady Monica Hart, Administrator Staff Member Piano Society Artist Trusted Member

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    Some of those are real 'groaners' and some are real funny. I must be in a weird mood because I laughed out loud at no. 7.
     
  17. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    I just came across the following delightful incident about the conductor Eugene Ormandy: As a child, he was once taken to a violin recital. He was so disturbed
    by a wrong note, that from his seat he yelled out : " F sharp, not F natural!"
     
  18. pianolady

    pianolady Monica Hart, Administrator Staff Member Piano Society Artist Trusted Member

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    I still like Linoleum Blownapart... :lol:
     
  19. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    I love the incident when Godowski was giving a concert and Vladimir de Pachman was in the audience, and at one point, while Godowski was playing, de Pachman went up
    the stage and pushed Godowski aside and said: " No, no; it should be played THIS way! "
     
  20. rsmullyan

    rsmullyan New Member Piano Society Artist

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    Dear Friends,
    ,
    I must excitedly tell you all of a most remarkable resent sequence of events : On Dec. 26 I was rummaging through some old correspondence and came across the following letter, written to me four years ago, which might be of historical interest, since it was written by a descendent of a well known public figure, whose identity you will soon know, and which I knew only towards the end of the letter.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Dr. Smullyan,

    Usually I would not write a letter like this.Some would call this a fan letter but I think that's not exactly right. I am a reader of yours. I love finding a book of yours on a
    bookshelf.That seldom happens any more since I live in a small town in Utah. I usually have a local bookstore search suppliers periodically to see what new books
    you have written.

    For years one or another of your books accompanied me on backpacking trips in mountains and canyons of Utah. In the evenings I would read them to my son
    or daughter. We would talk about the ideas and I could see the light of logic growing behind their eyes. Sometimes we tried to solve a puzzle as we hiked.

    I have been reading WHO KNOWS. Towards the end you say " ...that I believe in some kind of afterlife-----what kind I do not know." I have a question about this.
    I do not mean to be argumentative. Evolution explains how we cam t o be. I think the power of evolution to explain human life, thoughts and emotions grows all the time.
    My question, what advantage would an afterlife bestow on a living being? Which of all the creatures on this earth would have evolved to their current form because
    or necessarily with an afterlife?

    Perhaps an afterlife is bestowed upon us by some mysterious random power flowing through the universe or by some benign and loving force with a sense of
    responsibility to sentient beings who can speculate on death.

    I have sometimes thought the power of belief and faith could prop up a man before other men. Such a man would have an advantage for living and reproduction
    in human society. In that case it is the fervency of faith ( or perhaps the religious impulse) rather than an actual afterlife that would give a man an advantage in passing
    on his genes.

    As the great great grandson of Brigham Young I can say such an advantage gets diluted very quickly.

    Whatever awaits us after death I hope it is as pleasurable as the pleasure your books have given me.

    Sincerely,
    Wayne Hoskisson
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Isn't that remarkable? The writer really is the great great grandson of the famous 19th century Mormon leader Brigham Young! We subsequently had a good deal
    of very interesting correspondence, and I have saved all the letters. I sent him some of my videos, including the documentary I made of the life of my wife Blanche, about
    which he wrote:

    " I was impressed that you were especially drawn to a couple photographs when Blanche gave a captivating glance at the camera. I can remember some moments
    like those in my life. They are the seeds of joy."

    Then he wrote " One of the qualities I found in your books was a sense of joy. You write about logic but in a way that allows a human quality to poke through,
    as though a judge would bring a vase of tiger lilies to court to grace his bench."

    Now, We had decided that if he ever came east, he would visit me.


    Well, after reading through this correspondence, I felt a pang of remorse at not having contacted him these last four years, and so I went to the phone to call him.
    To my horror, I was told that that phone number is no longer in service! My heart was in my mouth! I was afraid that maybe he had passed away, and so I rushed
    to my computer and sent him an email. I got a message that the email could not be delivered!! Of course this reenforced my fears. Then I went to dinner with some
    very good friends, and after reading them several of the letters ( which they very much enjoyed and were amazed) I told them of my unsuccessful attempt at
    contacting him and wondered whether there was any way I could find out whether he was alright. Them one of my friends suggested the obvious thing, which
    I was stupid enough not to have thought of --namely Google! I went home and did this and sure enough his name came up in the same town, but with a different
    address and email. I then emailed him " If you are the Wayne Hoskisson that I know, please contact me." Five minutes later the phone rang and there he was on
    the line-- alive and kicking! God , what a relief!

    The upshot is that he is coming to Washington D.C. at the end of February and will then come up and visit me and my friends in the Catskills!
    Isn't that great? Do you blame me for being excited!

    Best,
    Raymond
     

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