Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!
Accidentals: Wrong notes
Allegro: Leg fertilizer.
Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.
Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.
Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Countertenor: A singing waiter.
Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Da capo al fine: I like your hat!
Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.
English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.
Fine: That was great!
Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.
Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.
Tempo: This is where a headache begins.
Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.
Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering or vice-versa in the middle of a piece.
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure. Also, technique used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.